Hardly Intelligent Discourse

Interesting problem

2008-06-25T12:45:59Z

I've been trying to work out what day of the week it will be on June 23rd, of the year 116,144CE. I *think* that it's Monday, but if anyone can double-check this for me, I would be grateful.

To get you started, remember that there's an extra day every four years, except years divisble by 100 (2100, etc), but there is an extra day on years divisible by 400 (ie, 2400 is a leap year). I'm also aware that the Gregorian calendar will be out by about a day in 8,000 years or so, but it's okay for my purposes if we just ignore that.

Answers on a postcard.

The most hilarious thing this week

2008-06-19T05:56:30Z

There is a new horror film coming out.

I first saw a TV ad for it, which claimed that it was going to be as good as The Exorcist, The Shining and The Blair Witch Project. The trailer on the site says it will be 'the most terrifying cautionary tale for men since Fatal Attraction'. It's called Teeth: it seems to be about a woman with a ravenous monster living inside her vagina.

I have *got* to see this. I think I may just laugh harder than I did for Saw III.

UFC?

2008-05-14T18:40:01Z

This is quite amusing. It's falsely claimed to be the first brand visible from space - that honour goes to Readymix, but even that honour is spurious as if by visible we mean 'with the naked eye' rather than magnified to a level of your choosing, then it would have to be at least the size of the Isle of Man before you could make it out.

Nevertheless, still worth a mention. It also should be noted that they decided to build this in the Area 51 desert: it's a short drive off Extraterrestrial Highway. Ah, pointless trivia field day...

illicitmaterial.com

2008-05-14T08:30:15Z

So, it looks like the hayfever post from the other day, with its use of the phrase 'bukkake whores', is now getting targetted by spam. This is the second post of mine this has happened to - the first talked about 'good, wholesome bondage'. It seems that there are certain phrases on LJ that are bound to get one spammed up by the porn spiders.

Like this one.

Time of the year again for my mini-rant

2008-05-07T07:44:38Z

I woke up this morning and I had been violated. I could feel it, all over my skin, in my eyes, in my throat. I needed to take a shower, and quickly. Why is it that pollinating flowers are such... bukkake whores?

Lookit me, Ma! Ah can embed!

2008-04-27T22:12:20Z

That's right, the Fated Conflict website now plays music.

This will be a handy piece of knowledge, I think, for future things.

And for those who didn't spot that first not-so-subtle link, check out the music on the FC site. It's fun and exciting.

Then, whilst we've got your attention, go read the stories.

bangs head on desk

2008-04-23T11:05:36Z

There are times when speaking to technical support frustrates the hell out of me. Those times being every time I have to deal with them.

ME: Hello, I'm trying to sort out an error with a computer, which blue screens every time I try to load it up. I've tried a few things, but I can't get to the command prompt so now I've got stuck. I searched the Knowledgebase for the error message, but I can't find it. The message is:

*** STOP: 0x0000007B (0xF896A528, 0xC0000034, 0x00000000, 0x00000000)

I was wondering if you might be able to suggest some ideas for this.

Best regards.

THEM: Thank you for contacting Microsoft Customer Service.

I understand that you are receiving blue screen error on Windows XP Home Edition.

From the information you have provided in your message, I found that you are located in United Kingdom. If you would like to purchase the Microsoft product in United Kingdom your best resource for support is the Microsoft United Kingdom subsidiary.

You will be best assisted by the subsidiary that specializes in the version. I suggest that you contact our United Kingdom subsidiary at (011) (44)0870 60 10 100. For more information on our United Kingdom subsidiary, please visit the following web site:

http://www.microsoft.com/worldwide/phone/contact.aspx?country=United%20Kingdom

I hope above information is helpful to you.

ME: Hello,

Yesterday I sent a technical query to Microsoft: I'd like to look up a specific error code that isn't currently listed in the Knowledgebase. The response I received, from Raktim, by the looks of it didn't even go so far as to look at the content of my message, because the advice I was offered was to 'contact a UK sales representative about the purchase of this product'.

I am already in possession of the product, and as my subject line and the content of my message indicated, there is a problem with it that I cannot resolve with the Knowledgebase.

The error code I am receiving is this:

*** STOP: 0x0000007B (0xF896A528, 0xC0000034, 0x00000000, 0x00000000)

Please offer me a guide as to what this code means and how to resolve my problem. If you do not know the answer, please direct me to an appropriate forum or community website that may be able to help me.

THEM: Thank you for contacting Microsoft Customer Service.

I am Anand and I would be following up with this service request on behalf of Seetha Lakshmi.

I extremely apologize for the inconvenience caused in the previous interaction.

I would like to let you know that according to Microsoft’s support procedure, Microsoft United Kingdom subsidiary is authorized to provide complete technical assistance on Microsoft products purchased in United Kingdom. It is recommended to contact them to ensure complete issue resolution and smooth operation of the unit.

Please find the contact information at:

http://www.microsoft.com/worldwide/phone/contact.aspx?country=United%20Kingdom

I hope the information provided is helpful and once again apologize for the inconvenience caused in the previous interaction.

Thank you.

So, to all folks reading this, if any of you know the answer to my query, or know a good forum to look on, I'd gratefully appreciate it.

I think I may calm down for a few hours before deciding whether or not to e-mail them back.

On being badass

2008-04-20T23:21:36Z

For those interested in this sort of thing, it is pertinent to note that the second part of Erica Wilding, by a certain Tobias Tzfanya, has just gone up at the Fated Conflict website. Check it out - comments can be dumped here or on any number of usual e-mail addresses.

And then, by the end of the summer, not only will this series be complete but hopefully we'll have one or two other nice treats to show you...

In other news - the peak and summation of the 'dying of overwork' I've been doing for the past year or so is just about here. I have approached the final exams of my degree. Little bit nervous, but I think I can manage it - one way or another, I shall at least have some percentage of my life back in just three weeks. Time for some new projects, I reckon. Oh wait...

This was deserving of a raised eyebrow

2008-04-09T12:39:44Z

Run your car with water.

A little reading up, however, suggests that these people aren't talking out their arses. Anyone know more about this?

Literary Challenge

2008-03-23T07:19:42Z

Here's a good game: write a short piece of fiction that conveys a scenario... within the confines of the Facebook status bar. That's 160 characters you have to play with, and the first sentence has to begin with your own name.

Today, mine is:

[Jeff ]turned back, and the thing lunged and sliced off his head. Amanda screamed, but I grabbed her arm and pulled her away. "He did this to save us!" I cried.

The Darkness Prevails

2008-03-14T20:06:40Z

After a self-inflicted dormancy of about a year and a half, thanks to pressuring from the kindly fellows Finnigan and Janshi, a week ago I turned my attention back to the venerable and enigmatic Project, the insane body of work from which Freak Ash was born and which I once thought - and perhaps still think - to be the purpose of my existence. We've a new battle plan, and with luck and a good wind that plan should result in a novel emerging at some point in the next two or three years. And not just a novel, but a massive fantasy epic.

And can I say, it's fantastic to be working on The Project again. The ideas are still as fresh as they've ever been, and new notions pour in from every member of the team as steadily as they did when we began this, five-odd years ago. It's exciting, invigorating, challenging, and a bunch of other words.

I think my satisfaction with this new phase in development is best shown with this: I've got the rather ambitious target of making the novel at least 200,000 words long. Within a week, the discussion of the first third of the book has topped 17,000 words.

I'm feeling reasonably positive about this.

My beliefs

2008-03-03T10:26:59Z

Updated that 'beliefs' thang I've got in my sidebar: mostly tweaks, to correspond with the slight adjustments my faith has had in the intervening time. Not that anyone's gonna read it, but doing so's given me a little bit of pep, so it was worth it.

FatedConflict.com

2008-03-02T23:29:12Z

There we go then - we've just launched the brand new, sparkly, Fated Conflict website. For those of you who haven't been paying enough attention, Fated Conflict is the brainchild of the talented Michael T. Sanders, and began in 2006 with Conspiracy of Fire, which was heralded by reviewers as 'intriguing... a story of impressive scope'.

The Fated Conflict website comes at the beginning of the run-up to the launch of the next book in the series, A Sanctified Betrayal, an explosive journey that sees characters old and new thrown into a situation even more hostile than that of Conspiracy of Fire. As well as the usual gumpf about the books, we've got artwork, and a series of short stories that will update every Monday, which look at the Fated Conflict world from a whole new angle. These stories are written by various authors, and on the 24th of March we'll be seeing the start of an eight-parter from the loveable Tobias Tzfanya, man who previously brought to The Maker's Mark: Remnants the dark, Gothic tale Every Sheep Needs A Shepherd (albeit disguised as Jeffery Pagenton); keep an eye out for that one, as it's bound to be a a scorcher.

So, as the straight-up guy I like to be in this blog: tell all your friends about the site, and make lots of hyperlinks, 'cause we've got books to sell and I'd damn well like to GoogleBomb this thing.

Cheers.

Cross that off the list of things to do before I die

2008-02-27T03:01:42Z

So I'm sitting at my computer working when the whole room starts shaking, and I'm thinking, 'Earthquake?'

Turns out, yes it was.

God knows what I'm still doing up right now. I'm halfway through Death Week, the precursor to Death Month, my work-filled March of Hell (so daunting I named it twice). As such, g'night.

Trying to remember that none of this matters

2008-02-23T04:54:26Z

In Morocco, a man has gone to jail for creating a fake Facebook account in the name of the Moroccan prince, Moulay Rachid. Full article here. Admittedly, this seems like somewhat of an overreaction, however I'd nevertheless like to complain about his defence:

Earlier this week some Moroccan bloggers went "on strike", suspending their regular blog entries for 24 hours in protest at Mr Mourtada's detention.

All I can say to this form of protest is, why the hell would anybody care?

Ars gratia artis

2008-02-01T11:55:40Z

I discovered a poem today, by EE Cummings. It goes as follows:

l(a
le
af
fa
ll
s)
one
l
iness

Which conveys the message 'loneliness is a leaf falling', as if you write it as one line it reads 'l(a leaf falls)oneliness'. Also, the fragments of the words do interesting things with sibilants and the like.

This sort of thing is exactly why I have no truck with poetry. What, can I ask, is the purpose of conveying this angsty message in this way? It's like songs with political messages, disguised in vague metaphors: who, exactly, is going to appreciate this poem, other than a bunch of wine-drinking yuppies with plummy voices crying, 'Very clever, very clever; how much for a print?' In the way that rock bands have ignorant tykes shouting 'down with the government' and doing nothing to instigate change, just carrying on being consumers and taxpayers despite their incredible hypocrisy, how does this poem in any way affect those who read it, except to baffle the unitiated and make those with a similar 'poetic' affliction smile knowingly?

Apparently, Cummings wrote his first work displaying this distinctive style at age six, which commentators say show how his 'unconventional style appear well established, even in his earliest work', and I say shows he never learnt how to write properly, and spent too much time worrying about how best to treat the capitalisation of his name to look best on paper.

The CD Meme

2008-01-14T10:37:29Z

It's curious how well this works...

Rules:
1. Your band name is your first hit on Wikipedia's Random Page
2. Your album name is taken from the end of the last quote on this random quotes page
3. Your album cover is made from the fourth picture on Flickr's Interesting Photos

These blogs are made for ranting

2007-12-07T10:18:57Z

Ah, the wonders of a BlackBerry - I'm writing this in Colchester station. It's basically too cold to type, but the cafe is crowded and I've finished my book, so I'm going to kill time by bitching to the online community.

Y'see, I'm currently attempting to get back to Reading from Norwich. Unfortunately, however, a tree has come down on the line... somewhere, so the train service is currently suspended. Simultaneously a lorry has jacknifed (there's an interesting word to try and spell) on the motorway, so there's no bus service either. That's not my gripe, though. My problem is with some of the *people*. Take the woman, for instance, complaining to the poor attendance that it's about time they 'replaced the trains' because of this. Presumably with rail tanks, with giant buzzsaws on the front to mow down anything in their path...

Also, on the journey up I sat across the aisle from four self-important twenty-somethings, particularly one ninny who claimed that the train company should pay for taxis to London. From Colchester, for what looks like about two hundred people. The first thing I heard this woman saying was 'and when I cook him a meal I always put his drink in the Mickey mug, and my drink in the Minnie mug. And you know what he did? He *broke* the Minnie mug.'

Okay, now this is getting out of hand

2007-11-28T10:20:18Z

Fucking insanity:

School teacher arrested for naming class teddy bear Muhammed

That poor woman. I'm generally on side for people defending their religions, but it's this sort of thing that's why lots of people aren't. Why can't people just grow up and get some perspective?

An idea for your Christmas shopping

2007-11-25T04:15:32Z

I don't think I'll even try to be subtle here:

The second collection of strips from the webcomic Bunny is now available for preorder, scheduled for release mid-December. It's got a whole bunch of snazzy drawings, and generally looks pretty hot.

You should buy it. The preorder price is £5, and it's available from here. Go.

Also, I keep having a bunch of things that I want to blog about, but I never have the time. In two or three weeks there may (or may not, depending on whether or not I've forgotten) be a series of rather large entries.

Euro-English

2007-11-09T08:28:21Z

My mother, who regularly passes on to me little bits of viral humour she finds on the web, sent me this today:

The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".

In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vords kontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensibl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl

There is something quite beautiful about that

2007-10-06T06:02:32Z

I have just shot out of my overdraft at a rate of knots.

"Student loans - turning a minus into a plus!"

Now come talk to us

2007-09-29T11:39:32Z

Right! The TMM forum is officially open, for everyone to discuss Remnants.

http://z11.invisionfree.com/The_Makers_Mark/index.php

So... discuss.

Shout-out

2007-09-22T16:35:18Z

This is for a few people who haven't, I don't think, seen enough of the limelight lately.

Firstly, a Mr konranjotai. The two years I have known this man have been life changing: not just an accountant, but a natural businessman with an eye for the successful, ol' Konran probably owns Freak Ash more than I do, certainly in spirit. Without him, we'd all still be mucking about with our little projects that wouldn't get off the ground for years to come. With him, we have something tangible: a business, a young publishing house, rising steadily and determinedly into the public domain. And on top of that, he's a writer of continually increasing talent.

Secondly, my darling discontented fairy. I simply have not praised her enough: not for being lovely, which she very much is, but I've said a lot about, but for being a decidely talented designer. See that logo on The Maker's Mark? Without her, that would have been a decidely more amateur creation. These days, I do not commit to any design without her blessing, and over the next few months you'll be a seeing a lot more work that she's contributed to, or flat-out designed herself. Because at the end of the day, I'm just a vector-monkey, and it's the fairy who brings true professionalism to our company's appearance. She teaching me all that I'm learning about the trade: she's also proof-reading vast quantities of text and keeping me sane and healthy. It's a helluva job, and she does it with aplomb.

Finally, our web programming gurus, Stephen and Charli, who are invaluable, considering our very heavy basis in the internet. They work very hard, coping with the continual pressures we put on them, and are always cheery and happy to do it. Furthermore, the work they produce is top-notch: they make a talented pair of young web developers, and I can see people some day paying them an awful lot more than we do. If you see any problems with any of our websites, blame it on me: these two could make the trains run on time.

A big, deserved corporate shout-out

2007-09-12T10:50:05Z

My discontented fairy, it must be said, is very keen on sheep.

Up until recently, our local Pret-a-Manger had this poster up in their window:

I made a replica of this sheep for the fairy in the form of a cauliflower named Bertie:

And yesterday I got around to e-mailing Pret and asking if they might have spare copies of the poster that I could get hold of. I got an e-mail back today saying yes - they'd be in the post before tomorrow.

So this is a shout-out for Pret, who have excellent food, excellent customer service, and a brilliant publicity campaign. Also, they drive around in the evenings in a little electric van, giving their unsold sandwiches to people on the streets. I am genuinely happy to see this sort of attitude in our era of turbo-capitalism.

UPDATE (13/9/07): The poster arrived today. As in, the day after Pret got in contact with me. That, truly, is service.